oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
