If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
