I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
