Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
