if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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