I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
