I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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