sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
