My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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