If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
