I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
