did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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