My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
