Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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