i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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