woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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