you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I don't deserve a penis
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
