Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize