she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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