If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
