All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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