you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize