Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
We need to rekindle our bromance
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
