Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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