My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
