The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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