so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Sober January is a disaster.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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