So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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