Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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