Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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