Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
