Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize