Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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