He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
