Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
