I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
