theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
