Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
