dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
