I wish my penis had an off switch
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
