my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
