I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
