I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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