make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
