I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
