wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
