my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
