theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
