It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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