i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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