I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
