Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
