he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
