She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
