Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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