Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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