i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
