apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
